Day seventy-one

The no-pressure date

The Director, a self-portrait

I used to work in the same office as The Director and have always adored him.  He is such a genuinely great person and an extremely talented director (and photographer – see his self-portrait above). After a very long week (more on my first week below), I needed someone who there wouldn’t be the pressure to impress.  I could just be myself, enjoy the day, and have a laugh.  Burritos in the park, sitting on the grass, the warm sun on our faces, kids and dogs running by, chats about life – exactly what I needed.   It rejuvenated me to get through this next week.  Because, as I’m very quickly finding out, I hate dating.  There’s a reason I always end up dating people I already know!

Getting through the first week of dating

I’ve been told I make it sound easy, this dating thing.  Well, I’m here to tell you it is not.  I have struggled a lot.  Not on the dates – I have met some extremely lovely men who have impressed me incredibly.  And not necessarily in finding the dates – most people are up for one date to see how it goes.  But with the planning of the dates, the nightmare that is online dating, having to impress every day, talking more about the project than I am living it, and generally being tired.  All while trying to work a full time job.  It’s hard work.  It’s hard to put myself out there every day, and sometimes be rejected (which I am glad is happening as part of the experience, but even if I’m not interested, it’s hard to be rejected).

My conscience hurts a little too.  Am I using these guys?  I’m trying not to, as when I’m on the dates I’m genuinely interested in making a connection.  But ultimately, I am writing about the experience for everyone reading.  I am using my life experiences for storytelling.  Is that wrong, even if they know about the project?

I’ve also been told that sometimes I’m not revealing enough about my own personal journey and how I’m feeling.  That is harder to write about.  I’m not really sure what I’m feeling at the moment.  Exhausted, sometimes embarrassed at humanity (the lack of respect, intelligence, polite behaviour in online dating by some men), sometimes excited that I’m having this opportunity to meet all these incredible people, hoping I’m inspiring others.  It’s very difficult for me to make a real connection with anyone within the restrictions of this experiment, therefore I think I hold back a little bit, in order to protect myself.  I also think the guys do too.  It’s the nature of the situation.

Therefore, I’m not certain how I feel about any of the men I’ve dated so far.  There are definitely a couple I would like to see again, and I will in some cases.  But I won’t know for sure whether there is something beyond just a fun time, until after this month is over.  Or at least until a second date…

From how I’m feeling at the moment, I suspect I’ll either finish this month with a partner holding my hand, or I will want to take a huge break from dating and stay away from men for awhile!  But I have three more weeks to go, so who knows what will happen.

Tonight

The concert date – my favourite kind!

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2 thoughts on “Day seventy-one

  1. Pingback: Day ninety-three | threehundredsixtysixdays

  2. Pingback: Three hundred and fifty-five | threehundredsixtysixdays

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