Four hundred and eighty-eight

Oops!  My excuse for the missed Wednesday blog…

The herb salad is made and waiting on the counter to add the white wine tarragon vinegar, oil and lemon dressing.  The water for the corn and yellow beans are ready on the stove.  LP is making the turkey burgers.  The smell of the barbecue and mint from the salad hang in the air.  The beer is cold, the wine is open, the berries are washed and ready for dessert.  It’s day three of my four-day mini-break to LP’s mom and partner’s gorgeous house in the forest of Montebello, Quebec.

My old friend Meg drives up to the house, arriving from Gatineau, to have dinner with us.  It’s been at least a year since I’ve seen her – although she has been a great supporter of the blog.  After our hugs and hellos and general catch-ups, she says to me: “You didn’t blog yesterday”.

“Well I only blog on Wednesdays now,” I say nonchalantly, and then it hits me – it’s Thursday.  I didn’t blog yesterday!  Oh no!  I promised every Wednesday and now I have broken my promise.  I even spent Tuesday on the train to Montreal writing.  It didn’t even occur to me that it was “blog day” the following day.  I was so excited about seeing LP (who is still working in Montreal), going to Montebello, trying to listen to what the lady beside me was saying when she was talking to herself in what sounded like spoken shorthand, and getting on a roll with writing, that I forgot to blog altogether!

I guess I don’t really have an excuse.  Sometimes my excitement for new things takes over and I forget the routine.  I’ve never been much for routine.  It’s the reason I have a calendar and write everything down.  My calendar fails me, though, when it’s pinned to the bulletin board in my bedroom and not on the train to Montreal with me.

Thursday night, as we ate our dinner on the upstairs balcony overlooking the Ottawa River Valley with the sun setting, I couldn’t seem to get too upset that I missed a Wednesday of blogging.  Sometimes a trip to a beautiful house in a beautiful environment away from the city is just the thing to refresh a weary mind and body.

I turned to Meg and LP and sighed.  “One day I’ll own a house like this, where I can spend my mornings with coffee reading the paper, afternoons writing and going for walks, and evenings cooking, then curled up by the fire reading.  One day – hopefully sooner than later!”

Four hundred and seventy-eight

An ode to the country, my family, and who I am now…

The sky is so incredibly clear.  The stars are a million dots in the sky that capture my imagination and send me to a world full of possibility.

The air is fresh.  Every breath I take fills my lungs with hope and clarity.

The love is tangible.  I sit here on the patio of my parents’ house, taking in the fresh air and the clear night sky and can’t possibly think of anything I’d rather be doing.

The feeling is divine.  I am so happy right now.  Exactly in this place.  Who I am and what I’m doing.

And therefore I don’t know what to write that I haven’t written.  How I can explain how I feel and who I’ve become because of the journey I’ve been on and the place I’ve gotten to.   What I share every week when I write to you.  I don’t know how more to explain to you how happy I am that I am here now in my life.  Finally.  After all the ups and downs, goods and bads, lessons learned.

I guess that’s what it means to grow.  To grow up.  To be closer to “wise”.

But not yet “wise”.  To love to learn and to continue to grow.  To hope to continue to grow as a person, in knowledge and in being.

And so I sit in the stars and the air and the trees, with the coyotes singing their beckoning calls from afar and the feral raccoons banging their garbage bins from the side of the house, and I just am.  I am who I am.  And I’m happy just being that. At least for right now.  At least for the moment.

I am who I am.  The sky is clear. The air is fresh.  The love is tangible.  And I am who I am.

(P.S. I tried to put up a very lovely photo I took of the countryside with my phone, but alas it doesn’t seem to be working.  So use your imagination of how beautiful it is out here to go along with my poetry…)

Four hundred and seventy-one

A few eclectic comments that sort of tie together in the end:

“The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it” – Chinese proverb

I just read 25 Quotes To Inspire You To Do The Impossible on triathlete, traveller and spear-thrower Joel Runyon’s Blog of Impossible Things, with many more inspirational quotes in the comments on this post.  I’ve always loved quotes and I’m feeling very inspired right now.  Everyone wanting to interrupt me from doing the impossible get out of my way!

I’m also feeling fierce having pondered contract legalese for the past week.  Why can’t all of these things be written in plain English?  I feel like I’m finally getting a grasp on the questions I want to send to my agency about our contract negotiations.  This is after getting advice from a producer, a writer, and a lawyer.  I’m still waiting to hear back from one other lawyer.  I might be going a little over the top with this, but I’m terrible at this contract stuff, so I really want to make sure I understand what I’m signing and I’m happy with it.  I’m determined that this book is going to do well and that this is the beginning of a long career as a successful writer.  Because I love my agent so much, this could be a lifetime contract.  I feel a little bad I’m taking so long with it, but everyone keeps telling me not to stress (I was feeling a little overwhelmed) and take my time.  In any case, I am proud of my work and want to share it with the world – but I also want to be able to live off of my writing so I don’t have to waitress full-time.  My friend made a comment today that I don’t want to be the next “Leonard Cohen/Brian Wilson/Rocky Balboa from Rocky V where his accountant takes all his money”!  That made me laugh.

Speaking of making me laugh, have I mentioned recently that the top searches for finding my blog are still consistently: “diapers women”, “women wearing diapers”, and “women wear diaper photo”?  During Out of My Comfort Zone month I wore a diaper, had a not-so-great experience and wrote about  it.  I tried to be fair and discuss all of the reasons one might need (or want) to wear a diaper.  I also took a self portrait of myself in a diaper – with shorts over top of the diaper.  It is not a revealing photo.  I never thought there were so many people out there looking for photos of women in diapers.  There are times I feel slightly disturbed about this, but most often I find it funny.  It just shows there are people out there looking for everything on the internet.  And posting about my life and experiences online is bound to provoke people in different ways.

Finally, one other thing that inspires me: my camera, my computer, a glass of nice wine, and the sunset on my balcony.  Life is good!

Four hundred and sixty-four

Faith

This post is not specifically about writing, or about the blog, but just about life.  It’s something on my mind and a topic that both fascinates and inspires me.  It’s about how we all get through the ups and downs, the sunny and the rainy days, the times we have motivation and the times we don’t.  Faith is an interesting word.  It often brings thoughts of religion.  But I mean faith in a bigger sense.  From what I’ve seen and from the people I’ve met in my life, everyone has faith in something – whether it is religious faith in something greater than we are, or science, or family love, or ourselves, or nature, or other people.  It is with this faith that helps us get through the good and bad times.  It is belief in something that helps to explain the chaos that is the world.

I know I’m talking very generally here, but I guess I’m talking from personal experience as well.  This weekend I had a joint birthday party with my dad at my parents’ house in the country.  There were about 80 people expected to attend, with some staying over and camping out on their property, and we were planning to have it take place mostly outside.  The weather forecast said it was going to rain all weekend.  I told everyone I made a ‘deal’ with Mother Nature that it was allowed to pour rain all day on my actual birthday (which it did so badly the main subway station flooded and the subway was shut down for hours), as long as it would be nice for the party day.  My brother, his girlfriend, my boyfriend and I drove in the pouring rain to my parents’ house on Friday night.  All morning as we were setting up for the party everyone kept saying that it was going to rain, but I kept telling them I had made a deal and it was going to be nice out.  Every forecast said there would be rain, including reports from our friends in Toronto and other neighbouring cities that it was raining all day.  No matter what anyone said, I believed it would be beautiful – and it was.  There was no rain all day until past midnight.  I had faith.

I realized that is just a small blip in the grand scheme of life.  If it had rained, we would have adapted and it would have still been a great celebration because we were with our friends and family that we love and who love us.  And whether it had anything to do with my ‘deal’ with Mother Nature or just a fluke that it happened not to rain over the area we were in when it was raining everywhere around us in Southern Ontario is not really the point.  The point is that I believe in my faith.  I believe in myself.  I believe in the power of Mother Nature.  And that belief makes the ups and the downs easier to understand and to deal with.  I guess I wouldn’t be writing a book if I didn’t have faith that one day I could support myself on my writing alone and that I have something to share with the world.  It’s this faith when all else seems difficult that gets me through from one day to the next.  Well faith, my family, my friends, and a little red wine and chocolate!